Wardrobe

Villager: Lur

You know, I hate writing profiles. I hate talking about myself, too. I don’t find myself to be a very interesting creature, and I don’t understand why anyone would want to know about me. But, I digress. What is it you’d like to know?

I guess, for starters, a name. That would be “Lur”, which comes from the word “Allure”. It's something I embody in an abstract way, a part of my core being, similarly to how Ataraxia embodies eudaimonia. Next, I guess you’re probably wondering what I am. We - Axia and I - call ourselves “starkindred”, as we have connections to the stars as you can no doubt see by the stars on our chests. We are a form of alien life, and we see ourselves as avian-like due to our feathers, wings, beaks, claws, vocalizations, etc. I don’t believe in giving out my specific whereabouts as I don’t know you, but if you need something to put in that field, simply “Canadian” will do since that’s where I presently reside and hold citizenship. Don’t make assumptions about me based on that, please. You can clearly see by looking at me that I’m not human, so don’t attach your human labels or constructs to me. I label myself when it’s necessary to do so, and the only labels I choose to wear are Agender or Gendervoid, Schediaphile, Demisexual, and Biromantic. I also do not abide by your “coding” system, where you seem to think that behaviors and traits are “x coded” with regard to things like race or culture, or even age. It’s weird, and I don’t like people trying to assign these sorts of aspects to me. Again, I’m not human, so I don’t fit your system of labels, microlabels, ethnic/age coding, etc.

I like to present in a “masculine” fashion and my personal preference for pronouns is he/him/his. However, I don’t believe in labeling things as masculine or feminine so my thoughts, moods, and behavior can sometimes come across as “feminine” as well which is usually Axia’s influence. You may refer to her as feminine, using she/her/hers pronouns for her, but I do not accept those pronouns for myself. I also do not vibe with neutral pronouns like they/them or it/its for myself either, but I have no qualms using those for others if that is their preference.

This is a bit of a side tangent, but one that is rather important. During the very early years of my existence, I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and intimately abused by my biological mother. The scars of these experiences run deep, and even with visits to therapy and professional psychiatry, I was not able to fully get over what happened to me. The household I was moved to wasn’t intimately abusive, but it was abusive in other ways and continues to be as such and I was not made aware of that fact until I was much, much older. Unfortunately, this has left me with very extreme trust issues and an aversion to topics surrounding intimacy, and I tend to lean towards interests that are considered to be more “juvenile” by human standards. It’s also a big part in why I’m a schediaphile and self-shipper. You can think what you want about it, but keep your thoughts to yourself. You don’t know the shit I went through or the shit I’m still going through, and the way I live my life as a self-shipper has been deemed acceptable by mental and medical health professionals. The judgments of random strangers on the internet, who don’t know jack shit about me, mean very little.

In terms of hobbies and interests, I enjoy writing and drawing, listening to music, watching Youtube, and playing games like Minecraft and Roblox. I also enjoy collecting merchandise of my 2D spouse, collecting general plushies, and other trinkets that catch my eye. My interests are always changing as I get into new things, so I won’t list everything I’m into because that would be too much to have to continually update. Instead, the persevering interests that have remained prominent in my life for a decade or more are Five Nights at Freddy’s and Pokemon. I am also an unapologetic Among Us enjoyer because the space beans make me unreasonably happy. I also am a long-time fan of the Hermitcraft SMP.

I am unemployed due to mental and physical health issues stemming from mistreatment in past jobs, so most of my days are spent running errands with my family or engaging in my hobbies. I suffer daily from chronic pain due to spinal scoliosis and compressed nerves, and the medications I take to alleviate the pain often make me fatigued and sleepy. Additionally, I have other professionally diagnosed mental illnesses that affect my ability to interact with people, the way I perceive and interpret things, or the way I’m generally feeling about myself or anything else. Mental burnout happens very easily for me during extended socialization or time spent with others, and when I hit that point, I need to step back and isolate to recharge. Because of this, it can take time for me to reply, or I may rely on Mir or Eclipse to reply in my stead. Please, be kind to them. They’re good people and they mean a lot to me, and if you upset them, I’m not going to be happy with you.

Full disclosure: I have little time, energy, patience, or care for people who waste everyone's time trying to play morality/content police, or who wish harm on others that they perceive - or project - are wishing harm on them. Labels aren't all there is to a person, and just because someone's wearing a label doesn't mean they fit 100% of the traits of said label. In fact, most people actually don't, because labels aren't so cut and dry (x or y, no middle ground) or "one size fits all" with their application. Even if you find three people who share a label, those three people are not going to act or think identically to each other. There may be some common ground, but more often than not, you're going to find that they all differ and none of the three are 100% alike. Like anything else in life, there's a lot of grey matter and nuance that needs to be taken into consideration. I try not to judge a book by its cover either but if you're loudly yelling "x label DNI" in your bio and posting tons of posts hating on people with a label you don't personally agree with for whatever perceived offenses you think that label automatically entails, there's a pretty high likelihood we're not going to get along so I'll probably just block you because nobody needs that in their life.

Fun fact: I kin something now. Good luck figuring out what it is.



Personality…? I'm always bad at describing my own personality because how I see myself, and how I think I'm behaving, isn't always how others see it. But, I guess, if I had to pick a term to describe the kind of personality I hate, it would be "fantasy prone." Come on, let's be honest with each other. This shouldn't be surprising to anyone given my lifestyle as a self-shipper. It's one thing to have cute little daydreams about kissing your favorite blorbo and drawing ship art or writing fiction about it. It takes another type of mindset and imagination to treat that relationship as a real thing, and to treat one's fictional other like a real entity. So, yes. I engage with fiction enough to label myself as a "fantasy-prone personality" kind of alien, but despite this, I believe that I still have a firm grip on reality. I also believe that I am fully capable of demonstrating that, and have done so on many occasions.

For me, fiction isn't so much of an escape as it's just an enhancement of my reality. I like to play with the idea of letting fiction and reality blend and overlap. I realize that, from an outside perspective, this probably leads to weird thoughts or ideas about myself and my morals, and it can make my mindset and behavior seem odd, maybe even cringe-worthy to some people and make them not want to interact. I'm okay with that. I believe in respecting differences of opinion and being kind to others, even if they wish the worst of me and even if I don't necessarily agree with what they stand for. However, if you're one of the people who aren't capable of that, or refuse to be kind to others over differences of opinion, I'd rather you not interact with me anyway so I'm okay with not having you in my life.

I consider myself an ambivert, but I lean more towards introversion than extroversion. Generally, I much prefer the company of a few close friends rather than large groups of acquaintances, because more often than not, acquaintances come and go. It’s very important to me that those around me recognize and understand my body language to know how I’m feeling and when I may need space or time to myself. I wouldn’t say I’m opposed to having a good time, I do love thrills and adrenaline rushes, but I get burned out easily when I’m around other people, especially of those people are needy and overly social extroverts. Nothing against you if you are, you are absolutely valid. It’s just not for me. My social battery drains pretty fast, and when I hit empty, I need complete isolation and solitude in order to recharge.

Due to my struggles with chronic pain and fatigue, I never start the day with my social battery fully charged to 100%. On a good day, I’m lucky if I’m running on 50% when I start the day. Most times, it’s more like 30%. I know most people don’t find a few hours of socializing to be an issue, but for me, that translates into several days of wanting to be by myself if it’s not a situation I enjoy or want to be in. For example, let’s take theme parks. I LOVE theme parks. They’re often busy with crowds of people, but I’m not interacting with those people specifically while I’m there. So, in a case like that, I’m fine. It’s when I attend a party or a social gathering where people will be paying attention to me, that I’m not great with. I’m a shy bird. I don’t like being the centre of attention, in fact, I’d rather be standing off on the sidelines quietly browsing the net or texting friends on my cellphone. If you approach me directly and speak to me, of course, I’ll at least be polite and give you an answer. But if the conversation starts to drag out or I sense it’s going in a direction that’s not stellar, I’ll probably excuse myself and find a place to hide for a while.

Regretfully, thanks to certain events that took place I’m now struggling with perceptions of just about everything. I’ve had people play games with my mind and my feelings, and while I know I wasn’t the one in the wrong, their gaslighting and manipulation have left me second guessing myself. They got into my head, and made me feel like my own thoughts and feelings were fake, and now it’s hard for me to trust myself. So, I often have to ask other parties about things, and even then, sometimes it’s hard to trust that people aren’t just telling me what they think I want to hear… What’s worse, is when I accidentally misinterpret or misunderstand something due to being neurodivergent, and people make me feel like a complete idiot instead of helping me try to understand. I’m not able to tell when someone’s being genuine with me, and I’m just… Really fucking paranoid because the voices in my head tell me I’m never going to be good enough. There are good voices too, and I appreciate those ones, but they can’t always drown out the bad ones.

I think it’s important for people to know that I have “big emotions”, as my therapist put it, which means that I feel things more intensely and for longer periods of time than what’s considered “normal” by most standards. Things that seem minor to most can really set me off or trigger a big emotional episode, and the negative feelings from it can persist for a long time. Long enough that I’ve had people, even friends, say things like “dude, you’re still mad about that?” It makes me feel terrible when people say things like that to me, because I can’t help the way I feel and I don’t need to be ridiculed for it. My therapist said that the way I experience my feelings is valid, and that it’s just how some people are. It takes a long time for me to get over certain things, so instead of being a jerk about it, just give me space and let me sort my shit out the the way I know how.

Recently, I’ve come to a rather frustrating realization that I have very strong issues relating to people’s emotions or interests, even when it comes to my own personal friend circle. As I mentioned above, I lean towards introversion, and I’ve always been a person who’s totally fine engaging with things by myself, and keeping my joy to myself. I’ve never felt the desire to be part of a community, nor felt the desire to engage with other people over similar interests, I can’t quite put my claw on why but in addition to the social burnout from interacting with others, there’s just something I dislike about fandoms and communities in general that makes me uncomfortable. And, admittedly, it’s frustrating, but no matter how many times I try to change how I feel, and start dabbling in it, I always end up withdrawing and going back to doing things on my own because it just doesn’t make me feel good at all. I don’t know what the issue is, but even among my own friend circle, I often feel like an imposter. My friends find so much joy and happiness in things like fandom communities and fan works, and honestly, I’m envious of them for it. I can’t relate to these feelings at all, nor understand them. I WANT to, but for some reason, I just… It feels like a foreign language to me.

And lastly, I have some rather detrimental defense mechanisms. I vent my stress and paranoia through skin and tooth picking mainly, nail biting, and plucking. I also tend to bottle up my emotions and pretend I’m doing fine so that other people don’t worry about me, and that usually lasts until I’ve hit my limit and have a full on breakdown. For better or for worse, I’m a secretive creature and like to keep things to myself, but that can also lead to me being deceptive, too. I learned from a very young age to hide who I am and put up a facade to please others, and it’s been a really hard thing to unlearn and undo. I consider this a form of “defense mechanism” too, because in the times I did let down my walls in the past, I was deeply hurt by people I cared about. People who I thought cared about me too, or people who SAID they cared about me when they actually didn’t. As such, I’ve become very comfortable with lying to people. I feel remorse for it, and there are many times where I wish I could take back something I’ve said or done, but at the same time, I prefer to be the one to end things if I can feel they’re falling apart and I’ll do whatever’s necessary to make that happen. …Even if that means letting the other party think they’re the one cutting ties, and… Even if that means saying some very cruel and unforgivable things to people, and forever ruining my credibility and trust in their eyes. It’s not something I’m proud of because I don’t like hurting other people, but I don’t like being hurt either and I’ve become selfish enough to prefer inflicting that pain on others than enduring it myself…

I’m a very independent and self-reliant person, and I no longer care about making friends. I cherish the friends I currently have, but it’s easier for me to keep people at a distance now. People have come and gone so often in my life that I’m used to it.



In terms of relationships, I value quality over quantity. When you get to be my age, you stop caring about peer pressure and fitting in, and you learn to be selective about who you keep in your personal friend circle. People are often really quick to label me as a friend, but I'm afraid I don't always feel the same way. It makes me uncomfortable when someone I. barely know refers to me as a friend, because often time it feels superficial. I've had at least two artists start calling me a "close friend" out of nowhere, simply because I was a repeat client, and I really don't vibe with that. Especially since it only lasted as long as I was a paying client; the minute I hit financial hardship and couldn't buy from them so frequently anymore, I was no longer their "close friend" or even their "friend" at all.

The people I call friends are people I've known for at least 5+ years. We may not talk daily, share common interests in some cases, and in some cases we might even have differing opinions and viewpoints, but we're all adults who know how to respect our differences, and different beliefs or opinions don't stand in the way of us looking out for each other or checking in when someone's feeling down. It's cool to find people you vibe with, but your friends don't need to mirror you 100%. In fact, it's probably healthier when they don't because then you're not locked in an echo chamber or a hive mind. I don't find this to be beneficial to your growth as a person, but that's me.

Due to my trust issues, and people being just generally scummy to me in the past, I'm extremely wary of people approaching me and expressing interest in friendship. For better or for worse, I'm not an easy person to befriend and people often have to try long and hard to win my trust. Most people don't last long enough, and I'm okay with that. I'm not looking to make friends anymore so it really doesn't matter to me if an acquaintance becomes a friend or not.

People come and go, that's just how life works. It's not the end of the world.